How about these nice parting gifts?

That's me - far left - pretending to be happy while that horrible witch walked away with my money.

(So you know - I have had a haircut since then.)

A little over a month ago - two of my favorite people and I ventured off to the big city for a try at fame and glory - the world series of pop culture. I'll tell a bit of the story here for a couple days.

Suffice to say - it began with a simple one page application. Who is on your team and where did you meet. Shawn and I decided the best way to pique their interest was to explain that we all met while getting fired from Pat Robertson's TV ministry.

Needless to say - they quickly sent off a more detailed questionnaire... And I shall post it for you here - along with my answers to their questions. I think you can see why they were so eager to get us in for an interview - although I'm not sure why they had us standing on a plastic sheet the whole time....?

WHY DO YOU AND YOUR TEAM WANT TO BE A PART OF THIS COMPETITION?

To right wrongs, stamp out injustice and reach total enlightenment. If that doesn't work out, winning a lot of cash can put a psychic band-aid on the hole in my soul.

THERE WILL BE BEHIND-THE-SCENES FOOTAGE SHOT OF THE TEAMS --TOGETHER, AS INDIVIDUALS, ONE-ON-ONE CONFESSIONALS BEFORE AND AFTER THE EVENT. WOULD YOU BE WILLING AND EASILY ACCESSIBLE TO BE FILMED FOR THIS TELEVISION SERIES?

Yes. Being unemployed makes it easy to schedule time ... But I do have obligations. To the poor, the orphans, the homeless ... And mostly ... To the ladies-…that's right baby, you know who you are.


IF SO, TELL US WHAT IS INTERESTING/CAPTIVATING ABOUT YOUR LIFE, YOUR TEAM, YOUR WORK?

I actually lead a boring life in relative obscurity. Although they did option my story for this little TV show ...You might have heard of it...… 24?

Actually, I wanted to explore the dark underbelly of America for a film role, but once I got in deep, I never wanted to leave. I went from crack addict, to crack whore, to plain old whore. And that is the great thing about America - if you set your heart on it - you too can achieve your dreams. While some might not say that that is interesting or exciting ... I say, until you've seen the sunrise off a bum's asscrack, you don't know what beauty is.

The great thing about the guys on my team is that they always have time to let me stop by, use the hose in their back yard to clean up, and steal something out of their garage to help me get my next fix. And when I say "they let me," I mean, they "haven't caught me." Yet.

WHY DO YOU CARE ABOUT POP CULTURE? IS IT IMPORTANT? IF SO, WHY?
IF NOT, WHY DO YOU STILL KNOW SO MUCH?

Let me tell you about Pop Culture.

In 1988, I was working for the peace corps in Africa. I was bitten by the ambassador to Paraguay and she was infected with Ebola. When you are bleeding out of your eyes, ears, nose and dirty bits you tend to focus on the important things.

Like the number of licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie pop.

The number of very special episodes of ER.

Which is greater -the number of acting Culkins or acting Phoenix's?

To make a long story short. Pop Culture saved my life. Once I invited Pop Culture into my heart - I was a new man.

WHAT IS THE MOST EXTREME EXAMPLE OF HOW OBSESSED AND KNOWLEDGABLE YOU ARE REGARDING POP CULTURE? DO YOU HAVE ANY COLLECTIONS/POSTERS/FAN CLUB MEMORABILIA YOU ARE PROUD OF (OR NOT SO PROUD OF)?

Well once, when I was robbing this bank - everything went wrong and somehow during the escape- both my car and the teller I kidnapped got shot. Thank God for Pop Culture. MacGyver reminded me that with duct tape, chewing gum and a paper clip - I could repair the leaky gas tank. John Rambo reminded me that with a K-Bar Knife, a little gunpowder and a greasy bandana - I could cut the bullet out of the girl and field dress her wound. And CSI reminded me that, with a little bleach and a vacuum – I can destroy evidence and get off scott-free.

Thank you, pop culture!

I did, at one time, have the most complete collection of Star Trek Cast albums ever assembled on 8 track. Unfortunately, during my Pat Robertson days, in a spirit filled frenzy, I sacrificed them to the eternal flame of his evil record burnings.

DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT HAVE AN EDGE OVER OTHER CONTESTANTS IN A TRIVIA SHOW SETTING? WHY?

Yes. Because the Lord told me so.


ARE YOU COMPETITIVE BY NATURE? IF YES, LIST EXAMPLES. IF NO, EXPLAIN.

If by competitive you mean would I kill a man with my bare hands to win this contest : the answer is "nobody puts baby in a corner."

Well - I once bet Blair to see who could get a date with Angelina Jolie. While neither of us has won - yet - I at least got a restraining order and three day in the slammer for my efforts. You tell me who the winner is….

IF YOU WERE SELECTED AS ONE OF THE 16 TEAMS TO COMPETE, WHAT STEPS WOULD YOU TAKE TO PREPARE? OR WOULD YOU?

Cue Rocky theme:

Research. Find out who are the producers of the show. Find out where they live. Kidnap their children. Keep them until producers give up "questions" and "answers."

Sit back and count the money.

Just kidding. We hate children. We would only kidnap spouses.


HOW WILL THE FACT YOU ARE PLAYING AS A TEAM -- FOR A LOT OF MONEY -- AFFECT YOU? HOW DO YOU THINK YOU WOULD REACT IF ONE OF YOUR TEAMMATES MISSED THEIR QUESTION? EXPLAIN.

I find, under pressure, I sweat a lot and cry uncontrollably whenever I make a mistake. My plan is to never get an answer wrong - and to bring an extra shirt.

If my teammates miss a question, I find the best reaction is patience, love and respect. And if that doesn't work I silently activate the nanobots I've secreted into their ears and reconfigure their brains.


WHAT POP CULTURE CATEGORIES DO YOU CONSIDER YOUR EXPERTISE? (ie; TV SHOWS FROM THE 80S? TEEN MOVIES?) WHY?

I know a lot about Pat Robertson. Which cities he has cursed. Which Supreme Court Judges are going to heaven. What vitamins, when combined together, create a healthy shake that can make you live longer.

And I really like movies and music. But don't tell Pat.

WHAT MAKES YOU THE MOST NERVOUS ABOUT BEING IN THIS COMPETITION? WHAT MAKES YOU THE MOST NERVOUS ABOUT YOUR TEAMMATES?

Nothing. As long as I'm not asked any questions I should do just fine.

My teammates innate masculinity makes me nervous. As long as I picture them naked, greased up and wearing diapers - just like in my dreams, I should do fine.

ARE YOU AVAILABLE THE WEEKEND OF APRIL 28th – 30th, 2006 TO BE FLOWN TO NYC FOR THE WORLD SERIES TOURNAMENT?


Yes - although my psychic told me that if I leave home that weekend, I will die. But how often do you get to do that on TV?


Tomorrow: More on the hardship and pain of trivia.