Owned by United

That's an angry dog. And I know how the dog in the air feels - cause I got jerked around like that yesterday.

It's been a while since we had a tragic airplane story. But this being my life - there is nothing much left except shoot disasters and airplane stories...:)

You got part one yesterday as I drove into the airport in -26 degree weather.

Here's part two:

SO I was to get on a 9 am flight from Ft Wayne Indiana to Chicago. Because of the time change - we would arrive in Chicago at 9 - and then I catch the 9:50 to San Francisco and arrive at 12:30. I get my bag - jump in a cab - and high tail it to work for a 1:30 meeting.

Whoops.

So it starts when the flight is delayed to 9:30. Still feeling slightly OK - cause in reality - its only a 28 minute flight. Only problem is I gotta get from the F concourse to the B concourse.

But I've OJ'd it through airports - and by that I mean - killed a lot of blonds on the way to a plane.

Unfortunately - once we got on the plane - we had to get de-iced. By 9:50 we were airborne.

Now - I have nothing against fat people. Some of the funniest comedians are fat people. But it is hard to sit on a 24 passenger plane with tiny seats next to a fat person. This lady was big. We couldn't put down the armrest - because if we did- it would deny her the half of my seat she was spilling over into. She was too big to put on a seat belt - and the stewardess didn't even both to ask her to try. She couldn't put her tray table down more than 45 degrees.

She was a big lady.

Needless to say - I was slammed against the side of my seat. And on the small planes - I have to put my bag under the seat. Plus it got hot - so I had to take my coat off.

Did I mention that I'm claustrophobic?

So the 27 minutes feel like 27 hours.

We begin our descent into Chicago - and then for some reason - we don't go down. I can tell we're circling. And then the next thing we hear is that we are being diverted to South Bend. Chicago has decided that it's too cold to land.

We land - refuel - but we can't leave the plane.

We find out that to land now - we need a pilot with low visibility clearance. Guess what? Ours doesn't have that. But don't worry. There's a pilot leaving Chicago any minute who will come here and fly us in.

So we sit in the plane waiting for him. For ANOTHER TWO HOURS. I don't wanna say the whole thing was spent in a cold sweat - but I will say that Fat girl - who has a bag she is clutching that reads - and I swear the typo is real -

PYCHO GIRL BITCH

written in pen all over.

She proceeds to tell me she is on her way home after telling her deadbeat husband that she was leaving him yesterday. For two hours.

Trust me - I am a very sympathetic man. But yesterday - I had no choice. And after all that time talking with her - I was starting to agree with that pen written assessment.

Finally - after two hours - they decided to let us out of the plane and into the terminal. We were able to relax for 40 minutes and then we were told we had the pilot.

Everyone cheered and climbed back through the snow onto the plane.

Once we were loaded with our new captain - we were all buckled in when he told us that Chicago just closed the airport. But the good news was when they opened - we would be first to fly.

He told us he would check in every 30 minutes for updates - but he didn't want us to leave because it would take to long to get us off and on and we might miss our chance to fly in.

30 minutes became another two hours. I felt like I was a POW in Vietnam. And I learned a lot about pycho's life. Believe me - more than I ever wanted to.

Finally - the pilot gave up and told us to get off the plane.

By the time we walked from the plane through the snow to the terminal - we were told to turn around and get back on because we could take off now.

An hour later - after de-icing the plane - it proved true.

I landed in Chicago at 3:35. I had been on that 27 minute flight for over 6 hours.

I got re booked on the 5:00 to SF after standing in line at customer service for an hour - and then ran to the B terminal - only to be delayed on the plane there till 8:00. Finally got into SF last night at 10:30.

Whew.

Longer than it takes me to get to China... :)

So after all that - today is gonna seem brilliant. Nothing is gonna get me down.

I don't know how many of you have ever seen the movie TOP SECRET with Val Kilmer - when he was funny.

There is a scene where he is being tortured by the Nazi's.

He has a flashback back in his delirium. He thinks he's in High School and that he's missed the chemistry final. He starts freaking out -

And then wakes up - and he's just being tortured.

He smiles and says:

Whew. For a minute there, I thought I was back in High School.

That's how I feel today...