Stuck in the middle

Wow.

Haven't been here in a few days.

I have many issues. But for someone who speaks so off the cuff to his superiors - it's strange that I would waste hours after that analyzing everything to the point of ridiculousness.

I am alone in Beijing.

For three weeks.

I think that thought hit me hard this weekend as I was holed up in my hotel room - going through hundreds of pages of transcripts and working to get a usable script for my show.

I have just finished a week and have two more to go.

And I don't want to be here.

Nothing against China. At all. And nothing against the people I'm working with here. I love them them. Nothing against the job. While I don't love it - its good work for a good company.

It's just that I've basically spent a year away from my family. I have been on the road for a really long time. And it sucks.

On Sunday - while I was writing - I watched about 4 movies.

One was the Weatherman - which I had never seen. People really loved the script - but thought the direction was bad. I didn't think that. I just thought it should have been a little movie - but was made by big names for too much money.

But the sad thing - is that I related.

Not to all of it. But it is basically a crisis of faith for Nic Cage's character. He is at a point in his life where he is doing something he is bored with - paid entirely too much to do it - and he is separated from his family. Not by distance like me - but by divorce.

Its a good film.

Also saw We are Marshall and cried like a little school girl. What a baby.

So after the Weather man - I thought - what is wrong with me? Is this a mid-life crisis - something I've always scoffed about?

It's not that I want to change everything and do something else. I'm doing what I love - producing and directing. I'm even getting to do it in a foreign country that I love - China.

It's more that I have an incredible family that I never get to see - and all the money in the world is not worth missing them growing up.

I've been listening to SMODCAST a lot. Its a podcast by Kevin Smith. I literally snort sometimes while I'm listening. Like with snot coming out. It is the funniest, dirtiest thing.

He was talking the other day about selling out. And he said - no one but 20 somethings talk about selling out. You never hear a 40 year old guy talk about it.

Probably cause he's already done it.

Sigh.

I think I'm most likely just depressed.

This is a long haul. Three weeks gone. And now my company is arguing with me over whether or not cab fare is included in per diem. Petty. I'd just like to be home.

So instead of blogging - I've been thinking. Probably not the best thing to do.

So I'll go back to blogging.

Yesterday - I did something I haven't done in over 7 years. Whenever I find that I am too tied up in my life - I like to see if I can do something to mess with my routine. So yesterday I did that.

I drank a Coke.

I used to drink 4 or 5 Cokes a day. Especially when I was directing. Then I just went cold turkey and quit. And have never gone back.

Till yesterday.

It didn't taste as great as I remember it. But it was nice. And I'm going to do it again. Maybe even today.

So cheer up. Have a Coke and a smile...