What have you got to show for it?

Once again we find ourselves at a crossroad.

But I am slowly leaving behind the stress and anxiety of the past and replacing it with the anxiety and uncertainty of the future...

I often find myself in a crisis of identity.

What am I really - besides a husband, father and unemployed?

Professionally - I have been a producer and director of TV and Commercials. But I left all that behind to make a movie. Yet three years later - the movie isn't made. And while I got enough attention from the script to get an agent - I am certainly not getting offers - except for open assignments.

And once you move and distance yourself from you main source of income - it takes a bit to break back in. In the meantime - I have slowly spent all of our savings - banking it on a STAR who decided at the last minute - after being attached to the film for 2 years - that now that we had a start date - he really didn't want to do it.

So I am starting over.

There are people that want to buy the script from me. My agents think it is the best thing for me to do. To sell it. If I do - it will be in the trades again and I will be in a different category - according to them. I will be one of 4-5 competing for the lower level jobs instead of one of 15-20 competing for open assignments - and those type of jobs are the ones where you have to nail it to get a shot.

My script is coming back to me this week. Mini-major is having a conference call with us on Tuesday morning - but for them - they really don't want to do much to help us unless all the stars want to cut their fees to nothing. And the stars willing to do that don't match what the foreign sales guys want - and this company is really run by foreign sales.

So I think the party there is ending. My partner is trying to broker a deal that will keep them in the picture as either a co-financing partner or a sales agent. That way we keep our clout and still have them behind us - but we shoulder more of the risk and can make offers that we want.

But this will be the week that decides that.

I am willing to go back to the basics. I had raised a million dollars to shoot this. I gave it all up when we had to start this silly game of chasing stars... But I do understand so much more of the game now - even if much of it is silly and played out of fear and insecurity. No wonder that trickles down on all of us.

So today turns a new leaf.

The movie will be what it will be.

I am heading back to VA tomorrow for at least a month? Bill - my good friend and art director is hiring me for his crew. I will be shaping foam into rock like shapes to build a palace set.

There is still the company in LA that wants to hire me to produce one of two different series. They want to get me on ICHAT next week - so we will see where that goes.

I refuse to just sell out with the script - unless it looks like there is no other option. I'll just regroup and start over. And we will see where that goes.

But I feel good. Sort of.

Like the first step before a long long fall...

But what the hell? It's been three years already... What's a couple more?