What doesn't kill us....

This, my friends, is the Dorian....

Been trying to post all morning - but Blogger isn't cooperating... and I'm sick... so stand back while you read - and make sure to wash you hands when you're done...

There are many things that come to mind when my thoughts drift back to Thailand...

And today I will share three:

ONE:

As you may recall - we were in Thailand on the behalf of a Japanese millionaire who couldn't speak English, was in excess of 60 years old, crazy and bald - who wanted to be a movies star in America. He thought he could be in a film with Tommy Lee Jones, no less.

I'm not sure who was really more deluded - him, thinking that was possible - him, thinking that we could make this possible - or us, thinking we could convince him that it was impossible.

Yes, he was rich. Yes, he was odd. But TLJ doesn't do vanity projects that I am aware of. We did try to convince him to do a very low budget 3 million dollar film that could introduce him to Western audiences in sort of an ensemble cast. We came up with the craziest - and if you know me - I am a pioneer of crazy - story that ever has been put to paper. We had him playing sort of a modern day Man with No Name - a Samurai - who wanders town to town - as sort of an angel of death. We thought he could pull this off because it required little to no dialog...

Don't worry - he didn't buy it either...

But while we were there - we ate like kings. Every night - it was the best Bangkok had to offer. Steaks. Traditional food. Anything we wanted.

But the meal that stood out to me was the Seafood Grocery.

You walk in - and they give you a shopping cart. You proceed through the store - passing all manner of sealife - swimming happily in tanks. And as you pass - you point. And the workers dig their hands inside and grab whatever slippery critter you like. At the end of the line - you pay. They cook. You eat.

The two things that really stand out to me there was the eel - very bony... But delicious - and the shark.

There was a 10-12 pound tiger shark swimming around - and they just grabbed it. Pulled it and cooked the sucker. It was really something. Don't remember as much about the taste as I do seeing that thing pulled out of the tank and killed.

Out of the four of us - Shawn, Bill, and I - had already racked up a million miles in the disgusting diner club. We did a mini-series in China and the whole time we were there we made it a point at most meals to order the most disgusting thing we could find on the menu and at least try it. We had dog, camel, donkey, scorpion, and lamb testicles.

But thankfully - we never had to watch our dinner get killed and served to us. That was reserved for Thailand alone...

TWO:

I have traveled extensively all throughout Asia. I grew up in Taiwan, have been through China, Japan, Korea, Singapore - etc. And in all my travels - with the exception of Singapore - Thailand is one of the most orderly places I have come across.

In a lot of these countries - there is a feeling of organized chaos - and as long as you are keyed into it - you do fine. But Thailand is different. For some reason, the place just appears very orderly. My thoughts were that it could have something to do with the government.

Thailand is a monarchy. There is a king. While we were there, we were regaled with many tales about the king. What a nice guy he is - how he shows up at every college graduation in the country and hands out the diplomas. I'm sure he is great.

But here is a strange thing.

We were warned that there is one thing you can never do in Thailand. It's fine to go to shows and see young ladies shoot ping pong balls out of their vaginas - its fine to be some depraved European tourist sneaking around with 9 year old boys -

BUT

UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES

IS IT EVER REMOTELY PERMISSIBLE

to say anything negative about the King.

This poses a great problem.

We are American. We like to say whatever we want. On top of that, we are smart asses who think we are funny. Telling us we can't say anything about the King is like putting Adam and Eve in the garden and saying don't eat the apple.

Where ever we were, regardless of the circumstances - we would find things escalating to a point where someone was about to make some crack - and we would get the raised eyebrow of our host.

While for the most part - we were able to stop ourselves - sort of like not cursing in front of your parents - as soon as we hit the plane and we got in the air -

We trashed the king for two hours.

THREE:

I am a big fan of trying new things.

When we first walked around Bangkok - there were all sort of food and fruits that I had never seen before.

But none - anywhere - were like the Dorian.

You can see it in the picture up top. It looks like some kind of radioactive pine cone. But the truth is, the looks aren't the problem.

If you have ever gone into the bathroom at the border of Mexico and America - and a group of senior citizen tourist have all just left - being simultaneously sick - and the stench is so bad you have to hold your breath - that is the smell of Dorian.

A Pakistani bus at noon - Dorian.

Earwax mixed with singed human hair - Dorian light.

There are few things in the world that smell that way - and thinking about it now - I actually just threw up in my mouth a little bit.

But I knew I had to try it. And more than that - I had to get other to try it as well.

On our last day I bought one. The fleshy part of the fruit is a bit like pudding - and the taste is actually pretty good... But the smell...

After a bit of mockery - and the threat of calling the King - the others finally tasted it. And while no one can really say that they enjoyed it - it's definitely something that we will never forget.

Later this week - a little trip to what King likes to call a "house of ill repute."