Corruption, part deux

Have you ever fallen prey to "they?" As in, "they" made me do it? Or it's "they" fault? (um... not exactly grammatically correct, but you get the point.) Well here is the thing with me. I always got in more than enough trouble without every having to call on "they." If I knew where "they" lived, I would have done everything I could to shove blame towards "they's" doorstep. I would have loved to gotten to know "they" and join them on their adventures.

Unfortunately, I usually was "they."

But as far as being in a group and being influenced by "they," or going along with "they," just because everyone was doing what "they" did -I never really had an issue with that...(until 96 - and that was crack -and believe me, "they" was right... but that is another post...) I usually never really cared about following the group - I was too busy getting in trouble on my own to worry much about them.

Which brings me to Bottoms Up.

Jason Mewes is the main star of this film. While I never did get a script, the show obviously has hilarity and mad-cap adventure hijinx written all over it. I got to hang out with Jason a bit - in between waiting for Paris - and he is really a nice guy. Funny too. He was constantly worried I was gonna break into his trailer and steal something. Which also told me that he had the power to read minds - so I was very cautious around him.

So Day Two of this shoot. After Paris kissed me, and after about 4 hours of sleep - we were back for more shooting. Now Day Two was a smaller crew. We were not supposed to have any of the actors back. It was mostly going to be insert shots, driving shots and establishing shots of downtown LA.

But once we got on set, I became aware of the fact that Jason was going to come in and do a few shots. There apparently was a club scene in which Paris disses (see? I'm down with the streets and that gang lingo...) Jason's character and then leaves. He gets mad - chases her in her car - and jumps onto the hood TJ Hooker style.

So they had already shot Jason in the club. And shot him on the hood of the car. But they had nothing from the club to the car.

We start shooting. We are driving a 15 passenger van around LA and getting all these shots. Moving from one place to another. And now its dark. We are in a downtown area on Saturday night and there are a lot of clubs around us. Everyone is out walking to their club, all dressed up. So we pull over for another shot when the AD (Assistant Director) turns to the Director and says - "Hey. What are we gonna do about Mewes?" and the director says "We ain't got 'em. Not coming."

And I include this dialog here so that one can actually see how the corrupting and devious nature of Hollywood - or "they" if you will - can sneak up on one- even one so jaded and worldly-wise as myself - unaware and ensnare you.

And the AD says "What are we gonna do?" And the director says "One of us is gonna have to play him." And then, as if they were turning their heads and slowly follow a car crash, their eyes both settle on me at the same time.

Now I know that if you were picking a double for Jason out of a hundred guys, I would probably not be number 100, but I might be in the 80's at least. My superior conditioning and one pack ab notwithstanding - I could hardly ever be confused with Jason. But apparently desperate times call for desperate measures. And I am at least close to the right height.

"Why don't we get Greg to do it?"

I look up, half asleep - not even seeing it coming. "Yeah. He's perfect. Dude... no one will even know. Come on man. Help us out...." And I'm thinking... Ok. Yesterday, we had a Paris stand in. Very nice girl. All she did was put on a wig and we shot the back of her head. I had no idea what kind of shots they needed or what the sequence was, but I figured I was pretty safe. And being that I was in the "team player" mode - I immediately gave them some of my best witty dialog..."Um... ok, I guess." "Great! Get him in wardrobe!"

So for a brief second, you might go - hey. This could be kinda fun. Getting to be an actor. I was a theater major in college and for a moment thought about making a career of it - till I was told by my then future wife that she thought my talents must definitely lie elsewhere - she was not sure where, but definitely not in acting. But at that moment, you go - hey, at least it will be funny. I'll get to be in a movie...and it is then that you know that "they" have already won....

And as the machine of filmmaking started in - I was hauled off to wardrobe - which was the last seat of the 15 passenger van. They AD hands me a hanger full of clothes and tells me to hurry up. So I climb in the back of the van. In the dark. And start to put on the wardrobe. I immediately realize - this is full wardrobe. Not just a wig. Its top to bottom... almost. First up - it is a Naval Officers Uniform. Bright Whites. From the hat to the shoes. But it wasn't until I got to the pants that I caught on that something was amiss.

There are two holes in the butt of the pants. Not holes like "moth" holes - or even like "goat ate the pants" holes. These are like big giant "I want my butt cheeks to be prominently displayed to the club going public of LA" type holes. They were almost chaps.

"Uh... I sort of have a problem." Walky Talky static and the call goes out - "Talent has a problem!" So as I sit in the back of the van in my underwear - holding the offending pair of pants in front of me in disbelief - I am immediately surrounded by most of the crew - opening the doors and turning on the lights. I am trying to cover up as they ask me what is wrong. I hold up the pants - and no one even has a questioning look. They all just stare at me... Disappointed and heartbroken. One more problem that is keeping them from going home.

"They" are not happy.

"Is there a problem, Greg?"

"YES! These pants have no butt."

"And?"

"THERE IS NO ASS IN THESE PANTS!"

Long Pause.

"And?"

......Damn you, "they."

(And for those with sensitive natures and weak stomachs, you might want to avert your eyes...)

Let him who is without sin.....