Hollywood's all pervasive corruption and Paris Hilton

While it might not be that difficult to draw a line from Hollywood's corruption to Paris Hilton - this post is not necessarily about how they are directly related - except in the context of this story.

Here's the thing.

I was thinking this week about how to get you - the class - to participate more in the story telling process. How to get you to start to talk and tell - the most important aspects of what we do - next to actually writing. And talking is usually much much easier than writing... but that is a post for another time...

So I had the brilliant idea of getting everyone to tell their most embarrassing story. (Now, at 3 in the morning this seemed brilliant - but in the clear light of morning, I am not so sure.)

And in the course of sharing and being open, I decided to start with mine. And as fate would have it, it just happened a week ago while I was in Los Angeles.

Now - here is a little deep cover background on me. As my wife would surely tell you - in my college days - I was a bit of a dork. Loud, obnoxious, smart ass - those were all sort of part and parcel of the man I was becoming. But somewhere along the road of life, I was slowly crushed down by drugs, liquor and cheap women into the broken and beaten man you now see before you. It is rarely in my character to try to draw much notice to myself anymore and usually if it is directed my way - it mostly just causes a lot of embarrassment...so to be the center of attention is just not something that I actively crave like the now neglected crack pipe in Dr Clark's office.

And here is where Hollywood comes in.

I was in LA for these meetings about my script. And the guy who is producing with me - he happened to be producing a couple reshoots for a Paris Hilton Movie called Bottom's Up. Now in the patheon of quality entertainment - one rarely needs to say more than Paris and you know that you are talking about a quality film - an "art" film - an academy award winning film...and so I knew that I had to be a part of it in any small way that I could.

(In the interest of full disclosure - I have been working on my film for two years. For free. For nothing. For zippo. A fact that my wife loves to remind me of constantly. As we stand in line at the soup kitchen. As we collect food from garbage cans. As I stand on the side of exits off 69 with my oranges stolen from the neighbors fridge when I said that I needed a cup of milk... you get the idea. And the Paris reshoots were paying in cash. CASH. Nuff said.)

So the crew is great. The director is great. The movie has Paris Hilton and Jason Mewes - from Clerks, Mallrats, Dogma and Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back. He is the Jay character. A really really nice guy. And funny too. And a strapping example of the perfect man. For reasons I will disclose in my next post.

So my job is basically taking Paris from her trailer to the set all day. Now - nothing against Paris, because it is true for most women on sets - they take a bit longer than men to get ready. So a lot of my day was waiting for her. And making sure she doesn't run into anyone on the way to set because the minute she walks out of her trailer, she opens her cell phone and starts dialing. So I make sure to keep her from hitting lights or furniture... and the sort.

So most of my day had to do with saying things like - No really. I'm serious. We need to go now. They are calling for us. How many more minutes? You just told me that 10 minutes ago. I swear - they just said they would be done 5 minutes ago. Yes. We are walking right now. No. We weren't walking yet - but they promised they were coming out any second.

And Paris would say stuff to me like - How many more scenes do I have? What! You're kidding me! Can somebody go to Starbucks? I'm really hungry - do we have any menus? Can you leave now?

So you can tell we were fast friends. I know that if she were not married and I were not married, this would have been the basis for many jet setting memories waiting to happen.

So to back step a second - I have a friend. Back in Winona Lake. And he is a Paris fan. A fan of her films. Films we can not watch at this college. Films that require a credit card and high spped internet. Films that would never be shown in a theater - except for ones that require raincoats. But I'm sure he really likes her for her personality - because he would never fall for anyone on looks alone...

Anyways. He is calling me all day. Begging me. Pleading with me. To get him something from Paris. A lock of hair. A shoe. An autograph. Anything. Calling me. Pestering me. Bugging me. Driving me crazy.

So at the end of the day - and you have to understand - this is a long day. 6:30 in the morning till 1:30 at night... a really long day - I figure, well, what the heck - I'll never see Paris again, and I'm sure she gets hit up for autographs all the time... I'll just get her to sign the call sheet.

So as she is leaving with her entourage - her hairstylist Enzo, her assistant Franz, her sister Nicky, her sisters boyfriend, and various hanger-ons, I approach her with my call sheet in one hand and my pen in the other.

Now I don't want to lie. I know that I am a smouldering volcano of masculinity. A veritable buffet of manmeat. The charisma of Clooney. The boyish charm of Pitt... you get the picture. That's why its so hard to pay attention in my class... at least that's what I tell myself as I cry myself to sleep most nights... So I know that Paris has been waiting all day like a crouching tiger to jump at my hidden dragon any opportunity she could get... all she needed was an opening.

So as I approach - with my arms spread - she jumps right in and gives me a big hug. And a kiss. Granted it was on the cheek - but I like to think it was a close as she could get to my fire without getting burned.

And as she walked away - with what I think was a small tear glistenting in one eye -she said - Thanks for a great day Jerry.

But what I knew was the words were not really so important. It was the subtext - which you will learn more about in class The subtext with ripe with unspoken promises and regrets... and even though she didn't get my name right - I knew what she meant... and I understood.

And I called after her as she got in her Limo and left -

Goodbye Paris! We will always have BOTTOMS UP!

As a post script - I called up my Winona Lake buddy and told him I couldn't get him anything... but I promised that he could carress my cheek when I came home.

NEXT EPISODE- The Corruption continues -

In which I don a Naval officers uniform and become the butt double of Jason Mewes...